... and then I fell ...

You have GOT to be kidding me ...

2006-03-30T12:56:00.000-08:00

This morning I noticed a really funky smell in our reception area ... kinda like a dead animal smell.

Well ... the smell began to grow and grow and minute by minute it seemed to get worse.

So over the course of an hour we pinpointed the source of the smell - the reception computer (tower). It was intolerable ... I took the computer apart - largely assisted by a very brave co-worker - and we discovered the cause of the smell, a dead mouse.

And to make matters worse ... it didn't just crawl in there to die peacefully of natural causes ... it ran in there, cut itself open and bled all over the freaking inside of the computer - which I then had to clean up ... (which explained the mysterious rusty drippings running down the outside of the computer) ...

Gross.

Not a pleasent afternoon ...

Since my job description is currently being revised, I think I should add "pest control" to my responsibilities ...

Cockroach in the mirco ...

2006-03-09T13:17:00.000-08:00

There is a cockroach stuck in the clock of our microwave at work. It's so weird. One day we just kinda noticed this small bug crawling over the digital numbers and we kinda figured it was a roach, but we weren't really sure because it was just a baby.

Now, however, it's quite obvious that it's a cockroach ... it's got the big feely things sticking out front and the long rusty brown body and it moves fast and generally just makes me shiver when I see him (or her) ...

We're all really quite mystified with how it's managing to stay alive ~ and grow!!!

Everyone, including myself, continues to use the microwave in spite of our creepy crawly friend ... I mean, what can we do?? He's TRAPPED and we can't get him out!!! We've tried flicking the screen, we've tried poking things into the side (but you don't want to poke a microwave TOO much ...), we've tried cleaning it, nothing is working. He/she continues to flourish despite the odds!!!

I don't have a point to this story ... I know I could go somewhere with it ... I'm sure there is a life lesson somewhere ... but I don't have a point.

I just hate cockroaches. The fact that there is one stuck in the microwave at work that I use almost everyday is ... well ... irritating.

Baby it's cold outside ...

2006-02-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah ... it's pretty cold outside. It's cold in that sunny, crisp, crunchy snow way that I love.

I was waiting in line at the bank, feeling very cold, trying to occasionally wiggle my toes so they wouldn't expire with frostbite ... and a streetcar passes with pictures of a girl wearing a bunch of different tank tops!!!

It was bizarre ... As I looked at the picture (or rather, the ADVERTISEMENT) my entire body shook with a giant shiver and I realized how completely absurd it was that this particular streetcar was advertising SUMMER clothing in the winter.

I realized that we are all being pushed along at an alarming rate by retailers who are releasing their seasonal products earlier and earlier with each passing year. I can remember as I kid, looking forward to the end of August because it meant that the fall "back to school" stuff would be out soon ... as in "close to September" soon. These days, the back to school stuff comes out in July!!! Seriously! Kids are just starting their summer holidays and they are bombarded with back to school promos everywhere.

And, like the streetcar this morning, we are still in the throws of winter, and yet, not a sweater can be found in most stores. Forget trying to find a winter coat! And, don't even think about trying to find mittens or a hat or a scarf. Basically people, if you've misplaced an article of winter clothing you are out of luck until August!!

I just think it's so weird. It's like we're forbidden by some "higher design team power" to enjoy an entire season. No wonder people are grumbling about the cold. These temperatures are normal ~ but they don't seem normal when streetcars and billboards and storefronts thrust half naked men and woman in t-shirts and shorts at us as we hurry by in our mittens and scarves.

It's like a dangling carrot ... just keep chasing the warm sun, just keep running after the summer, it'll be here soon ...

Seriously. Weirdness.

It's about time ...

2006-02-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in quite awhile so, given that I do have so many good and amazing things in my life to write about, I thought it was about time!

Life is good ... the Luker is growing like a weed, trying my patience and making me laugh all the time :) I love him! He spends most evenings entertaining Curtis and I with his renditions of "Wake Me Up When September Ends", and more recently, the monster ballad "Heartsick" from the movie School of Rock. (Which of course he rocks out to with his guitar or his "drums" - sticks on the couch, but whatever - while pausing every once and a while to go and spike up his hair. We all know you can't possibly sing rock 'n roll with flat hair.)

My relationship with Curtis is amazing and everyday he blows me away with new ways of making me see just how perfect he is as a person, and, how completely perfect he is for me ~ it's really amazing to just be able to talk to him about anything and everything. Most amazing is the fact that there are moments when I'm completely frustrated with work, Luke, life ... and he just takes my little "outbreaks of emotion" and validates my feelings and helps me see the good things in every situation. I love him! Actually, if I listed off all the most amazing things about our relationship, it would take WAAAY to long.

Work bites, but whatever ... not everything in life goes the way WE want it to, right? We ARE getting new computers and software, so, that is wonderful and exciting ~ and will keep me pumped about coming in to work for ... well ... two days!

I'm not going to be putting up a wedding information website or anything like that, but rest assured that I'll include important updates in my blog. Updates like, WE HAVE SET THE DATE!!! December 16th, 2006. I can't wait. I wish today was November 22nd ... but ... then ... I wouldn't have a dress, and we wouldn't have a venue and no one would be coming because the invitations wouldn't be mailed out .... so I guess it's OK that it's only February 22nd!!

So ... that's my update for now (sorry Greg, didn't know what to write, but, please, DO try to avoid doing coffee on your own!!).

A Very GOOD Night ....

2006-01-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

Curtis and I are ENGAGED!!!!!!!!

It happened last night on our way home from a "show" at the Big Bop where we heard some sweet metal music ... but enough of THAT ...

We were walking up River Street and it was like minus five billion degrees outside and I was complaining about how cold I was and Curtis just kept telling me to "think warm thoughts" to stay warm.

Then as we got to River Street (THE River Street) he stops and looks down Shuter and turns to me and says this is my favorite spot in Toronto. And I'm like "that's great it's freezing let's go" and he just kept smiling and talking about how much he liked the view and how great it was and I just kept thinking he was crazy because it was so cold and I couldn't feel my face ....

And then he pulled out this peice of paper and (so I'm told) I started to jump up and down and I just said "are you doing this??!!" And then he said sweet and wonderful things that made me cry (sort of ... my tears froze before they left my eyeballs) ... and I said yes!

And then I was beyond happy and really warm and could have stood there all night ...

And that's the beginning of the story ...

2006-01-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

Grace moment. A while back I was asked to consider what my "grace moment" was ... A time when I was "blown away" by grace.

My grace moment is very easy to pinpoint.

It was June 2003. I had just gone through a brutal couple of years that ended with me and Luke moving in with my Mom and Dad. I was unstable in many ways and was seeking, above all else, safety ... a safe and secure place. And, love ~ but I didn't know what kind of love I was looking for ...

I remember trying to think about the last time I felt "safe" and truly happy. 614 came to mind. I called Geoff and Sandra to tell them what had happened and Sandra asked me and Luke to come and stay with them for a week. I was really nervous.

I had left 614 poorly two years prior and was terrified of what people would say to me when they saw me. I was terrified of what people would think of me. I figured that no one would be the least bit interested to talk to me and I thought for sure that no one could possibly care about my whereabouts or my upcoming visit. But, I chose to visit Sandra and Geoff despite my hesitations, because, somewhere in the back of my mind was the nagging thought that Regent Park was, at one time, a place that I had loved.

My Dad drove Luke and I in on a Sunday and as we pulled into the parking lot of River Street my heart was in my throat and all I wanted to do was drive away unseen and head back to the sanctuary of my parents home. I was so scared, however, I couldn't even find the words to tell my Dad to turn the car around. So we parked the car and my Dad opened his door ...

I got out of the car and my Dad handed Luke to me (he had just turned one and was still pretty small), and I started to walk towards the front door of River Street. I couldn't breathe and all I could think was "this is a mistake, no one here cares, why are you doing this??" I had no idea what I would say to people, "sorry" sounded hollow in my mind and "hi" seemed inadequate ...

Then, out of the blue, someone came around the corner. This person smiled a HUGE smile when they saw me and immediately stretched out their arms to embrace me and Luke in one big, welcome back, unconditional hug that ended with "it's so good to see you again."

Everything in me fought to fight back tears of happiness, relief, shock, but most of all, tears of understanding that God was really with me and had chosen this particular person to be there and show me love that I needed and love that I was so desparately seeking, in a moment when everything around me was scary and terrifying and different. I was shown grace.

I was told with a smile and a hug that it didn't matter what had happened at ALL ... I was loved and I was worth something.

I will never, ever forget that moment.

'Till Kingdom Come

2006-01-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

This song has been stuck in my head ALL morning ... I love it ...

One... Two...

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years

For you I’d wait til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you’ll come and set me free
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
Say you’ll come and set me free

Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me
Just say you’ll wait, you’ll wait for me

Mice Abounding ...

2006-01-06T06:27:00.000-08:00

Our office is a cesspool of dead mice. It's so gross. There are dead mice everywhere. The smell is overwhelming.

I was on the phone with someone from our IT department trying to troubleshoot a computer back to life, and, in my search for a pen I opened a drawer to find TWO dead mice curled up and decomposing. Lovely. I've spent more money on scented candles in the past four days than I can ever remember spending.

My stress level is increasing and the dread that comes with a co-worker or a client asking for a file that will require me to go searching through drawers long unopened is more than I can communicate in a simple blog ...

Needless to say, I'm finding it all a bit distracting.

But ... on the positive side ~ positive is not the word I'm looking for, but, it's early and I can't think of a better word right now ~ it HAS made me think about the millions and millions of people who don't live in the typical "sterilized paradise" in which we (as in "we" in North America) are accustomed. A few dead mice is nothing compared with the conditions that other people in this world endure day after day.

So ... while I still cannot believe that I'm working in an office where the carcasses of dead mice are lurking about waiting to be discovered ... I do have a sense of perspective on the whole thing ...

I like dark chocolate ...

2005-12-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

So ... on my lunch today, I stopped to buy a chocolate bar. Something I rarely do. Not as a result of morals or a desire to have the perfect body or anything ... I just don't often crave or eat chocolate bars. But, today I felt like eating one.

So, I bought a chocolate bar ... dark chocolate with almonds. And, as I was leaving the store, I had a thought and it was like running into a brick wall. I like dark chocolate. No, I LOVE dark chocolate.

On it's own this statement is not profound ... but the fact that I thought it with SUCH conviction was HUGE for me.

You see ... I have struggled in my life to find my own thoughts, opinions, likes, preferences, desires, wants, needs ... you get the picture. We all do to a certain extent I suppose ... but ... I struggled with it, huge.

Instead of forming my own thoughts and opinions, I would decide to like whatever my friends were in to, whatever my current boyfriend was in to, whatever seemed the popular choice at the time. I would change my mind ALL the time about what my "favorite" things were ... I was, admittedly, a bit of a flake.

That said, I did have strong convictions about SOME things, and some important things at that ... But, most often, my mind was a big blank canvass ... on which others were free to paint.

Lately (and I use that term loosely), I've been discovering that all along I've had my own thoughts and feelings and likes and dislikes, I just haven't had .... a voice. I've chosen to keep my own thoughts hidden for fear of rejection, or fear of punishment, or fear of being alone, or fear of whatever ...

Maybe it's just because I'm getting older, maybe it's because I'm a mommy, I don't know, but, I find more and more that I SAY what I think and I stand by it ...

So ... here is a brief list of things that I believe about me (or like or dislike or whatever):

1. I like dark chocolate.
2. I love watching sad movies and will never watch a funny movie on my own - I don't see the point.
3. I love kissing.
4. I believe the only time murder is acceptable is when a man feels it's acceptable to beat up his wife.
5. I am horrible with large groups of children.
6. I like being social and I like being alone - equally.
7. I believe that a church is not biblical unless it is reaching out to and loving the marginalized.
8. I don't like Jazz - unless it's live and professional.
9. Spending a evening singing relaxes me ... even if it sounds horrible, it relaxes me.
10. I like to be in control.
11. I tend to screw things up when I'm in control.
12. I believe that masturbation can teach us important things about ourselves.
13. I believe in love.
14. I thought "The English Patient" was a dumb movie.
15. I am strong.
16. Sometimes you have to leave.
17. White bread tastes better than brown bread.
18. I will always believe in Santa Claus.
19. My favorite colour is black.
20. Men who respect women are sexy.

Just a start ... but it feels GOOD!

When did Rudolph become Rudy??

2005-12-09T08:33:00.000-08:00

In our office, during December, we keep the radio station that plays all Christmas music tuned in and turned on all day.

I love Christmas music ... or I used to anyway ...

There was a song, just on now ... it was Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (sort of) ... but it was horrible. AND, at one point, the singer (not sure he deserves the term ... but ... whatever) actually said "Rudy with your nose so bright ..." WHAT???? RUDY?????

All I have to say is BAAARRRR???? What is it with Christmas music? Is the human race so creatively lame that we can't come up with some orginial music for Christmas?? (Sorry folks, "Christmas Shoes" doesn't count, it's totally lame.) Why do artists insist on doing 8 million different versions (crappy versions) of the SAME songs year after year!!!

GRRRRR ...

There ARE talented musicians out there ... WRITE SOMETHING for crying in the sink! Please save us from these lame, lame songs ...

Independent Thinker ...

2005-12-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

I've long thought that when I had children of my own I would encourage them to be independent thinkers. Non-conformists. And, even beyond that, to be independent PEOPLE.

I've always thought that if one (or all) of my children should come to me, at some point in their young lives, with a desire to travel the world, I would smile with pride and pat myself on the back for a job well done ... and of course, rush them to the airport to buy their ticket to explore and learn life lessons far more valuable than any classroom could offer.

Fast forward to the present ... and here I am with a 3 year old of my own ...

Sometimes I want to scream with frustration. Sometimes I want to cry from a complete lack of knowledge as to what to do with my independent, and very stubborn little boy. And, sometimes, I honestly don't think I'm the least bit qualified to raise a child and I spend hours worrying about how much damage my parenting is actually going to do to this little boy ...

I worry that he's not enrolled in 10 different extra-curricular activities. I worry that he sometimes feels like saying "shit" is a good subsititue for "I don't want to eat my supper." I worry that I'm not the least bit inclined to teach him everything he'll learn in Kindergarten before his first day OF Kindergarten ...

But, then, I find out that he has requested to play the part of the Dinosaur in the Christmas Pageant this year, and, I realize that I may not be doing such a bad job at all ...

Is Anybody Listening ?

2005-12-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

I just logged on to MSN Messenger and for the first time EVER, there was no one else online. The exact words were "All of your contacts are offline or moblie." Not one single person ... none of my contacts, friends, family ... none. It felt SO lonely!

I've made a point of not logging in to messenger (first of all because it was removed from my computer at work - Big Brother ... shhhh don't tell), but also because I'm much more productive without it up and running. But, today, I thought, why not? I could use a little conversation. I need to hear from my friends. I need to know that someone out there wants to chat with me ...

So ... I logged on, but there was only silence ...

And it made me wonder if God ever feels like that. Do you think He ever weeps because no one is "online"??? Do you think there are times whe God's ears hear nothing but silence from his creations?

Luke 19:39-40 says: "Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"

"I tell you, " he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

Are God's ears ever pounded with the sound of only rocks crying out? God forbid. And yet, there are days when I do not take time to talk to my Father ...

All Is Well ...

2005-11-28T07:57:00.000-08:00

Did you ever notice that when the days get shorter and it's darker longer, it just makes the lights everywhere brighter and more important???

Hmmmmm .... deep thoughts ....

One of my favorite Christmas songs (yes, it's Michael W. Smith ... no comments required ...),

All is well all is well
Angels and men rejoice
For tonight darkness fell
Into the dawn of love’s light
Sing alleluia

All is well all is well
Let there be peace on earth
Christ is come go and tell
That he is in the manger
Sing alleluia

All is well all is well
Lift up your voices and sing
Born is now emmanuel
Born is our lord and savior
Sing alleluia
Sing alleluia
All is well

It lacks something without the music ... it's a beautiful song (a boy soprano and a boy's chorus), but you get the point.

Go figure ...

2005-11-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

Once again ... a story from my office ...

A guy comes in today in a scooter ... a little drunk. He's sitting in the waiting room waiting for his lawyer. He just blurts out ~ to no one in particular ~ "what a shit deal this life is."

There is another guy in the waiting room, a Muslim. He says, "why do you say that? life is good!"
The guy in the scooter says, "what the fuck are you talking about? Look at me, I'm a criple, I can't walk."

"Well," says Muslim gentleman, "do you believe in God?"

Scooter guys says, "believe it or not I used to ... but I don't anymore. Believe it or not I used to preach from the pulpit. I used to WALK up to the pulpit. I used to be a preacher. But I don't believe any of it anymore."

"Ah," says the Muslim, "perhaps you should start to pray again. Maybe God would help you to walk away from your wheelchair. Maybe He just wants you to pray to Him again."

And with that rather profound statement the Muslim man walked out the door leaving me alone with the man on his scooter.

I have no idea why the Muslim man was in the office ... he didn't appear to have an appointment, and he never returned.

Perhaps he was there to simply deliver a message ...

The Price of Poverty ...

2005-11-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on the front desk at work today, which, normally I hate ... but today I had the chance to talk with a woman who came in and told me a bit of her story and I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to talk with her ...

She lives in a TCHC building (Toronto Community Housing Corp.) and she received a Sheriff's Notice last night. A Sheriff's Notice means she's been evicted from her home ~ where she lives with her daughter who is 18 and attending College, and her 2 year old son ~ it means that the landlord, TCHC, has COMMANDED her to leave her home and basically seek shelter somewhere else ...

The reason for the eviction is that she owes TCHC $700.00 in back rent ... $700.00. That's it. The reason she didn't pay??? her son needed diapers and they were out of food. She feels guilty that her 2 year old isn't potty trained yet because diapers are expensive and if she didn't have to buy them, maybe she could afford to pay the rent. She is working part-time and going to school part-time to try to get a job that will pay more money.

She sat in the waiting room at my office and cried and cried and poured her heart out to me about how she is trying to live a good life. That her daughter is smart and is attending school and doesn't have a boyfriend because she believes she can make a good life for herself if she studies hard. That she has to find people to look after her son because she can't afford the cost of daycare. And on and on ...

And at the end of it all she told me that she believes that God sometimes has reasons for why things happen, and there must be a reason for all she is going through. And, at the end, perhaps she'll find out why ...

WHY????? I just don't understand ... I mean WHY???? Why do people have to deal with this kind of shit in a country as rich as Canada? Why do people have to feel abused and pushed around and SORRY because they don't make enough money to pay the bills? Why are women, mothers, forced to feel guilty because they can't afford daycare and are forced to farm their children off to God knows who just so they can go to work/school and try and make a living?

The lawyer working on her case will be able to help. He'll be able to work out some kind of deal with TCHC that will help her keep her apartment.

But still ... I'm hurting for this woman, for all women and men, for everyone who is in a similar situation ... it's NOT fair.

There is enough money ... there IS. So how the hell do we spread it around? This is our country ... this is CANADA. And everyday, I see more and more poverty around me ...

Great time in OZ ...

2005-11-10T01:15:00.000-08:00

So ... I haven't updated in a while ... sorry :) I've been on vacation in Australia. It's been amazing.

I've been able to spend two amazing weeks with Curtis ~ worth the trip alone ~ and see all the beautiful sights of Sydney, Australia.

I miss Luker ... but he's in good hands ... playing video games already!

I head back to Toronto and back to my home in two days ... two weeks has gone by very fast ... too fast.

Anyway ... prayers for my flight home. I'm reading a book about a plane crashing ... brilliant.

5 days and counting ...

2005-10-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

I am Australia bound in 5 days! Pretty exciting stuff ...

I have to say ~ it's a tad pathetic really, but this will be my first time OFF this little continent of ours. I've been to the States about a billion times ... but never anywhere that required REAL travel.

Admittedly I'm freaked about flying for so long over the ocean ... the flying doesn't bother me so much, it's the ocean down below ~ actually ~ what's IN the ocean down below. I have an irrational fear of sharks. Irrational because, really, when am I EVER going to have to be in any close proximity to a shark where I'd be in any danger whatsoever??? (I suppose though, if my flight has "complications" and I end up swimming in the ocean in the middle of the night, my fear of sharks could suddenly become very real. But ... that's not going to happen ...)

I also have an irrational fear of vampires ... I'm sure no explanation is necessary as to why a fear of vampires is irrational ...

I was convinced as a child that there was a vampire living in our cottage and every summer I would have to sleep, night in and night out, with this vampire just waiting to drain every last drop of blood out of me ...

This thought was SO real that one night I woke up and saw the vampire standing at the end of my bed, so, I freaked and screamed and must have at some point bumped my head because there was blood everywhere ... Of course, I just assumed that I had somehow awakened during the "kill" and the blood therefore must obviously be coming from the two puncture wounds in my neck and so my screaming became more hysterical and scared the daylights out of my two cousins who were in the room with me (the vampire, after all, was only after me ... not them ...), and caused my parents to come racing up the stairs to see what on earth was happening ...

When I tried to explain that I had been half eaten by the resident vampire, my parents shook their heads, wiped the blood off my head ~ not neck ~ wound, and told me to go back to sleep and that I must have had a bad dream.

I still to this day believe there was a vampire in my room that night ... irrational???

2005-10-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

Well hey do you do Judo
when they surround you
A little mental yoga
will they disappear

It's grim but never dubious as motives go
One thing she'll always promise is
promise is a show

Thunder wishes it could be the Snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
for her
for you
for me

I watch me be this other thing and never know
if I'm marooned or where the purple people go
then lily white matricide
from vicious words
it doesn't leave a scratch
so therefore no one's hurt

Thunder wishes it could be the Snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
for her
for you
for me

And don't you know
The nurses make it clear
Just when you've escaped
you have yourself to fear
a restaurant that never has to close
Breakfast, every hour
it could save the world

so hey do you do Judo in your finery
an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly

Thunder wishes it could be the Snow
Wishes it could be as loved as she can be
These gifts are here
for her
for you
for me
for her
for her

~ Purple People by Tori Amos ~

(Was just feeling a little like this today ... and yes, some days I wish I could be as loved as snow ...)

2005-10-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

It's 10:00 AM ... I'm at work ... I need coffee.

I've been listening to some of my older CD's lately ... you know, those GREAT CD's that you don't listen to for a while that had MAJOR significance in your life years and years ago. One of the CD's I've been spinning over and over is Achtung Baby by U2.

I love that album ... LOVE it. I know that it wasn't their best album, but I think it contains some of the best lyrics they've ever written.

I was in my 2nd year of high school when Achtung Baby was released and I remember driving with my best friend, Sarah, (a year later when I was 16 not when the album was first released) and listening to it in the car ... and after one of the tracks was finished, she looked at me and said, "that song was written about YOU" ... and we laughed and played it over and over ... and it sort of became my "theme song" for a while. It was "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses."

Over the years I've had a few "theme songs" ... theme songs are different than favorite songs. I have a few favorite songs too ~ some that change and some that will never change. But, a theme song is something entirely separate from that. It's a song that speaks to you or about you, or helps you get through something, or makes you feel OK for being something or someway because all of a sudden there is this perfect stranger singing on the radio and singing about you ... and you take it on as a personal theme.

My other theme song that has NEVER changed since the day I first heard it ... even as others come and go ... is "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos. It just always seems to fit. Or, rather, it always seemed to fit ...

So ... there you go .... deep thoughts from the "pen" of me ...

So much to be thankful for ...

2005-10-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's the day after Thanksgiving weekend ... I had a great weekend with my family ~ got to spend some time with my brother, my sister-in-law and their baby boy :) We all stayed at my parents house and did the big family dinner on Sunday.

I have so much to be thankful for ... I really don't even know where to start or if I should start because my list would never end.

I realize more and more each day that God is moving in my life and has been moving in my life in ways I never will understand but ways that I am forever grateful for ...

Someone asked me on the weekend if I was given the choice to go back and do things over again, would I change anything (referring to the past 4 years or so ...)? While part of me would like to go erase a whole bunch of shit ... there is part of me that is so thankful for the "trial by fire" and the character building and the living hell that was my life during that time that just made me depend on God. And of course ... it gave me Luke ... and nothing could ever make me want to change that ...

So ... I guess probably I wouldn't want to go back and change anything. The people in my life who love me, love me despite it all ... maybe in some cases, more because of it all ... I don't know ...

I think the person that asked me was really shocked ... they expected a different answer, I suppose. I mean, why would I choose to take the hard route if I didn't have to ...

But I thank God that I have been given the chance to live through things that have made me who I am ...

That said ... I saw Million Dollar Baby again on the weekend at my parents ... I don't know ...

If I was her, what would I do???

Funny story ...

2005-10-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, Luker ~ who always sits and watches the drum kit being put together in awe ~ was over the moon when David handed him a set of shakers and asked Luke if he wanted to sit beside the kit and be a "drummer" for the day.

So this was pretty exciting for Luke, and, becuase he was sitting at the front for the service he came out into the hall to pray prior to the service beginning ...

(I should mention at this point that Luke has a major crush on Sandra, and with Sandra having just returned from a long vacation, I thought Luke would be dying to sit with her ...)

However, as we entered the room to begin the service, Sandra said to Luke, "OK buddy, come and sit with me," to which Luke responded by holding up his hand and saying, "NO! I'm with the band!!!"

100% SERIOUS!!!

I'd say that I think I've created a monster, BUT, I've done nothing ... Luke popped into this world with a personality that I couldn't even begin to take credit for!!!

He's amazing ... he makes me laugh all the time ... and I love him.

Life ... or something like it ...

2005-09-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

I love Fridays ... I love that today is Friday. It's been a crazy week ... and I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

I'm going to enjoy the beautiful weather, hang out with my baby boy, maybe go to the farm to see the animals, maybe catch a movie, go for a bike ride ... just get OUTSIDE.

I plan to rent a really good CRY movie tonight, curl up on the couch with some popcorn a blanket a pillow and a really big box of kleenex and release the pent up frustration through tears ...

I want to just forget about how crappy I've looked all week, how it was probably a big mistake to colour my hair last night, how depressing it is that swimsuit stores only sell bikinis and if you don't wear a bikini apparently you don't count as a person, that my bills are all due NOW, and last but not least, that I really miss Curt who is on the other side of the world.

On the positive side ... I did manage to put contact lenses in my eyes ON MY OWN this morning :) Ah ... small victories ... they do tend to cheer ...

So long Dallas ...

2005-09-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have been a Dallas Cowboys fan for as long as I can remember. I remember watching them win the Superbowl in 1993, 1994 AND 1996. The Cowboys dominated in the 90's ... and I loved them. (They also won the Superbowl in 1978 and I was watching ... but yeah, I was 2 and my brother had just been born ... so I don't remember that game quite as well as the others ...)

I still love the Cowboys ... but ... here is the problem ... I believe that within a relationship, you can really only disagree on teams and cheer for different teams in ONE area of sports. If you both have different teams for every sport it's just too difficult. Watching sports can become too competitive ... there is no cooperative cheering at all ... it's stressful!

I'm a Leafs fan ... always will be ... Curtis is an Oilers fan (still don't get it ... but whatever ...) ~ so, hockey season is already going to be a time of competition and "going it alone" in the cheering department for me. Apparently my son is an Oilers fan ... hmmmmmmm ...

So, in the interest of keeping my sanity, I've decided to switch football teams and cheer for the New England Patriots. You may at this point wish to call me a "bandwagon" fan ... and if you feel you must, then please do so ... I will continue to hold my head up high :)

I watched the New England/Pittsburgh game on Sunday and, New England IS a really GOOD team. The game was tied at 20 with 10 seconds left in the game and New England brought out their kicker (Vinatieri) and won by 3 ~ it was GREAT ~ they just outplayed the Steelers fair and square.

I love football ... and I want to continue loving football, so, I've resigned my "fanship" of Dallas and will instead wear the hat of the New England Patriots (metaphorically speaking of course ... I don't wear sports hats).

Crazy Rain!!

2005-09-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

It is raining CRAZY rain outside. Both me and the Lukester were completely drenched by the time we reached his daycare and I had to walk another 10 mins in the pouring rain to get to work!!!

I'm soaked ... there isn't a dry spot on me ... but I LOVE it.

Walking in the rain used to be such a pain ... but now it just makes me smile.

Church was great yesterday ... some really important truths were "preached" ... I know they spoke to me greatly. We were back in the "centre" and people came!!!

To change the topic completely ... the countown, as was mentioned in my previous post, is on ... 34 days until Australia and Curtis :)

Hello Autumn ...

2005-09-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

FINALLY ... finally ... on my way to work this morning it was cool outside. Windy and cool. I LOVE it. I love that on a beautiful, sunny day it is cool enough to wear pants, SHOES (not sandals) and yes, even a long-sleeve sweater thingy!!!

I love fall ... I love the way it smells and feels and looks. I can't wait until the leaves turn. I can't wait to eat pumpkin seeds and wear tweed (I've never worn tweed to my recollection, but it's such a "fall" material, is it not??!!).

My son got to go with his Grandparents to the Madoc Fair a couple of weekends ago, and, I'm proud to say, he kicked some serious BUTT in the 4-Wheeler race for the kiddies ... And, being the "rule breaker" that he is, I'm proud to say that he was the FIRST kid to veer off the course and splash through a giant puddle ... and of course, all the other kiddies followed (some of the kids were several years older ... following MY kid ... I'm so proud)!

Yes ... Fall has arrived ...

And though, I am travelling to Australia at the end of October when the weather is going to be perfect here in Toronto, to spend two weeks in really HOT weather in OZ, it will be worth it ;) I'm excited ... the countdown is on.

2005-09-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your day of judgement comes early? When suddenly one morning you wake up and you are asked to account for past circumstances that you thought were, well, in the past?

I am a Christian, I believe I have forgiveness through Christ. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life and I've hurt people. And, while I experience God's grace and forgiveness, I've always known that I would have to stand and account for all my "sins". But, my understanding of things was that I would have to stand and account for my sins on the day of judgement. And that day of judgement always seemed so far off.

Not so.

Today I had to face something that I never really thought would affect me ~ certainly not this far down the road. I always believed that what was done was done; what was past was past. End of story.

As a young teen, an older teen, and then into my early 20's I honestly believed I was invincible. I had all the time in the world. I tasted all the wines (literally and figuratively), I squandered myself, my time, my gifts on worldly things.

You know that song from Les Miserables … "Then I was young and unafraid, and dreams were made and used and wasted … there was no ransom to be paid … no song unsung no wine untasted …" ~ how much my life, in many ways, reflects those words.

My past became my present today and I almost lost something ~ someone ~ that I never want to lose. And I pray that I never will. I pray that he will continue to see me and want me for who I am. His love for me exceeds all my expectations and hopes and dreams.

Life takes us places we sometimes don't understand. We wake up one morning and realize that our journey has been a tangled mess of bad choices, mistakes, fumbling's and failed attempts at happiness.

But, God … my God … your God, sees past all that. And if, God forbid, I were to lose all earthly love and relationships, if all I know now, here on earth, were to fall away, I would still have my heavenly Father … and I could still rest in His arms and I know I would see His smiling face. And His perfect love drives out fear ... and we can experience that in our earthly relationships as well.

I pray that I never have to face losing everything … I pray that the love in my life right now would continue to grow, and continue to make me as happy as I've been over the last several months … I hope I can have a lifetime of giving my love back in return.

Back in the "Swing" ...

2005-09-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first worship rehearsal. We were small in numbers, but it was a good night ~ we spent most of the time in prayer.

I'm so thankful that God has put me in this place at this time so that I have the opportunity to not only sing and worship with such an amazing team, but also to lead the team, and the congregation, in worship.

I pray that I will continue to be worthy of such responsibiltiy.

God's grace and love are beyond my comprehension ... I am unworthy of any of His gifts, and yet, He continues to pour blessings on me.

It must be love ...

2005-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

OK folks ... here it is ... it must be love BECAUSE: Johnny Depp, THE JOHNNY DEPP, was in TORONTO signing autographs, talking to fans, meeting people I KNOW, and then leaving his premier early to go clubbing ... and I didn't go to meet him!!!!

Curtis is on the other side of the world right now ... and the man I've been accused of OBSESSING over was here in Toronto ... and I didn't go to see him :)

Curtis ... I love you. Johnny has lost his appeal ...

(Just for the record though, I'm still holding on to the Johnny magazines!!)

Another year older ...

2005-09-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

I just turned 29 ... crazy! I can't believe that I'm 29 years old.

It's amazing to reflect on all the birthday's I've had over the years ... surprise parties, "theme" parties, parties I didn't want, BIG parties, small parties ... and each one marked a change in my life. I can look back at each birthday and see small changes, growth, my "character" being formed with the passing of time.

Some birthdays I'd like to forget ... others I'd like to remember for as long as I can (which, according to Curtis won't be much longer because memory loss is quite often a side effect of old age - which, at 29, I'm OBVIOUSLY entering!!)

I hope that, 29 years from now when I'm 58 and looking back on 29 more years of my life I'll be even more proud of my accomplishments and where I am and where I've journeyed. And I hope that the people I love and my family will be proud of me too ...

24 hours ... and counting ...

2005-08-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster for well over 24 hours now ... it all started on Friday night, when, among other things, my cousin (and longest, closest friend) told me that her water had broken and that her first baby was on the way ...

On Saturday morning, I woke up feeling horribly ill, which in itself is hard enough with a three-year-old in the house ... but I was also participating in a concert later that night and had to SING. But ... Curtis came to the rescue and came over Saturday so I was able to rest right up until the concert, which just made me feel SO blessed.

And ... around 11:00 Saturday morning I got a call saying that baby Chelsea had come into the world that morning and I was an Auntie again ... it was wonderful (and emotional) news! I'm so proud of my cousin :) Julie and Dave ... I love you both!!

AND ... while at the concert ... I had a heart-to-heart "chat" with one of my most special friends and she just poured love and truth into me and we talked about where we'd each come from and how far each of us had come and where we were now ... living in the light of God's grace and His love. And how, out of that came such amazing blessings.

I'm SO overwhelmed today with love and joy, and a peace that I haven't felt in a little while ... I have SO many blessings in my life. I have a beautiful son who I love with all my heart. I have a wonderful man who I have an amazing and very special relationship with, who I love and who loves me and my son. I have a beautiful family who support me in everything I do. I have friends who I know I can always count on ... even when I don't see them all the time ... The list could go on and on ... but it comes down to the fact that:

I have so much love in my life ... and God is so good.

Time ...

2005-08-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

Time is a funny thing. We have all experienced that feeling as time rushes by when we want it to stand still, and, oppositely, the feeling of wanting time to fly as we wait in anticipation for that special something or someone we're waiting for that only time and patience will bring ...

This summer has been wonderful ... I've been blessed enough to share a lot of time with Curtis ~ when he's been able to steal some time away from Company 150. AND, we've been able to spend a lot of time just hanging out with Luke and watching him preform weird and wonderful impersonations of his favorite movies.

But ... the summer has flown by ... it's already August 15th ...

As I was walking to work I was thinking back on the summer and the fun I had and the moments that I will hold on to forever. It just seems like it all went by so fast ... I wish it had gone by a little slower ...

And, in September, a three month span commences where I will be praying for the time to fly by ...

Today at work we received the annual "mail outs" of Christmas card selections. I, being the Office Manager, and therefore in charge of all things administrative, just sat in my office and stared at the selection of Christmas cards in front of me .... CHRISTMAS CARDS!!!

... And I smilied ... I can't wait for Christmas this year. I love Christmas and I love that December will bring Curtis home ... will bring snow ... will bring Christmas caroling ... will bring visits to Santa with Luke ... but most of all, will be a time to slow down a bit and enjoy being surrounded by those I love.

Back from Holiday!!

2005-07-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that I survived a grueling week at my cottage. After having to endure such nasty things as reading, sitting in the sun AND shade, swimming, eating ice cream and all things BBQ'ed ~ it's nice to be back in the swealtering heat of the city ...

My apartment was in it's usual muggy, musty state upon arrival, but it's home and I love it ... the bunnies were fine ~ many thanks to their caregivers :) ... and after a week away I have NO clean laundry and NO desire to DO the laundry.

And of course, I'm back at work taking care of all the important things that have been neglected over the past week, like ... the update of the blog ... checking my email ... saving important messages so I can get back to them later ... and checking out all my usual "haunts" on the web ...

I am FULLY looking forward to this week that I have to enjoy ~ sans the 3 year old (though he is VERY missed!) ~ and am hoping to enjoy a certain someone's company, and, among other things, finally get to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (you promised!!!).

So ... that's the update and the news for now ... I'd post some pics of my vacation but I haven't a hot clue how to do that so it's just not happening. But really, who wants to see vacation pictures anyway??!!! (That's another whole topic!)

2005-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

i wanna dance with you ~ by Live

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced
with the presence of real love
the only one who saves

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I
I don't know a thing and
I been around the world
and I've tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores
you show me what this life is for

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

in this altered state
full of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free,
nothin' left but a cracking voice and a song, oh lord

I wanna dance with you
i see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
i see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face

Crazy little thing called news ...

2005-07-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Getting "news" is kind of a funny thing really ... sometimes it's the best thing in the world, and, other times it's completely horrible.

For example ... I got some some GREAT "news" at the end of last week ~ July 1st to be exact ~ and it was wonderful, happy, over the top news. It was news that I'd been waiting to hear and it was well worth the wait!

THEN, this week I got a message on my phone that was horrible, rotton, tear my hair out and punch a wall kind of news ... It made me angry and frustrated and completely tied in knots all within a fraction of a second upon hearing the message.

While the good news made me want to stand on a mountain and scream it out in joy ... the bad news made me want to throw myself OFF the mountain (not to be TOO dramatic or anything ...) or rather ... throw the bearer of the bad news off the mountain ...

Life is such a rollercoaster (I hate that saying ... but it really does describe it well) ... and, while it's fun and full of surprises and laughs, it can be really fast and confusing ... and sometimes scary ...

... but God is always with me ...

And, on top of that, I now have a strong hand to hold ... and the bad news is a little easier to take ...

Poodle Skirts and Root Beer Floats ...

2005-06-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

So ... I have a VERY important topic to blog about ... it's come to my attention a few times over the past few months and I just haven' t quite known how to blog about it ... or, perhaps on a more honest level, I've been too fearful to blog about it ...

Relationships seem to be a hot topic in the blogging world and this particular entry is no exception ...

My thoughts on the subject ....

I have heard WAY too often how we, as Christians, need to "Kiss Dating Goodbye" ... live single, live for God alone, forget the distractions of earthly relationships that can take our focus off God ... etc. All good points ... sort of ... but not really ...

It was God's DIVINE intention that man and woman be TOGETHER in His perfect world ... in His perfect plan ... He created Adam and THEN He created Eve. He did not simply create Adam and say ... "cool, now have a blast in my perfect garden ..." He knew that man would want companionship ... it was natural and wonderful.

It seems though, that in our world today, there is a sort of nasty trend to make fun of those who want to marry (especially those who are fortunate enough to find their soulmate early and at a rather young age ...), we tend to look at them and joke about the "ball and chain", the "end of life as you know it ..." etc. We have even brought it into religion ... we glamourize Paul's situation and make statements in the vain of needing to be single to effectively serve God ... or that relationships, especially those of a romantic nature, are merely things that take our focus off of living for God.

We even go as far as to discourage people from seeking relationships of a romantic nature and tell them to simply focus on God and He'll be EVERYTHING for them ... yes ... it's TRUE ... but we have to remember the beginning ... God made man AND woman. God knew that, even all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present, in the garden of Eden where Adam WALKED with God, that Adam would still be lacking SOMETHING ... and He made Eve.

NOW ... don't get me wrong ... there are, for certain, some people, male and female, who will never marry or find a long-term romantic partner for any number of reasons and that IS part of God's perfect will ... that's not what I'm talking about ... Nor am I talking about people, who for whatever reason, NEED to have a "time" of singleness ... but that too can be taken too far ...

I'm talking about using religion as a way to justify selfishness when it comes to relationships. I'm talking about using scripture, out of context, to allow casualness and a fear of committment and a general "I can't be tied down to just one person" attitude that, I feel, is hurting a lot of members of the body of Christ ...

I think it's time we remember what God's perfect plan for man was ...

I think ... even a few decades ago we were still "on track" ... more or less ... back in a time when you fell in love, and the girl got the guys high school ring to show their committment to one another and it really was that simple ... dates happened over root beer floats ...

Yes we've progressed and I'm all for not having to stand at the door of my house with the white picket fence while my 2 1/2 children wait quietly in the living room for the man of the house to arrive and eat the roast i've spent all day preparing ... but I'm somewhat sad that I feel I can't express openly that I do want a bit of that kind of happiness and security ...

I recently read a blog about "when does a relationship actually start?" ... Has it really come to that in this day and age ... we aren't even really sure WHAT a relationship IS because we've messed with it so much ... ??

I wouldn't mind so much, going back to a time when someone was willing to give me a concrete sign that I "belonged" to them! And finding someone that made you happy WAS an important thing ... because ... it really is :)

2005-06-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have a profound case of writers block ...

Not too long ago I was able to write without a moments hesitation ... but ... sadly ... I have reached a point where nothing of worth is flowing from my brain to my ... keyboard.

It's odd really, I have much in my life to write about ... a very wonderful and amazing new "blessing" to prompt and inspire brilliant writings ... but when sitting down to write something, anything at all, nothing I say can capture what's currently in my heart ... and so, I, facing defeat, turn away from the computer once again ...

But I should say ... for the record ... that life, or rather God, has handed me a beautiful gift. A wonderful gift that causes me to wake up with a smile on my face and fall asleep with wonder and anticipation ... a gift that makes it difficult for me to keep my feet on the ground and my head from flying around in the sky ... a gift that makes it easy to be happy and even more easily, emotional (it's a girrrl thing ...) ... a gift that gives new meaning to the words "I'm looking forward to ..." but most of all ... a gift that makes me supremely happy that I went out on the ledge to meet a wonderful man who was sitting out on that ledge hoping and waiting for me ...

And I guess that's a really good place to start ...

2005-06-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

Happy 3rd Birthday Luke!

Mommy loves you VERY much.

2005-06-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

Psalm 37:4

I'm so thankful that God is faithful in His promises ... :)

2005-06-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to the Alanis Morissette concert at the Hummingbird Centre. My friend and I were in the FRONT ROW.

I need to take this moment to say how amazing I think Alanis is ... she is so beyond talented and I have been a fan since her "Always Too Hot" days as a confused 16 year old :)

I wanted to include the following lyrics in my blog today ... not just because I feel it was by FAR the best preformace of the evening (causing me to burst into tears) ... but also because it's an amazing song ...

What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day
As you place the don't disturb sign on the door
You lost your place in line again, what a pity
You never seem to want to dance anymore

It's a long way down
On this roller coaster
The last chance streetcar
Went off the track
And you're on it

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane
What's the point of trying to dream anymore
I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane
Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

Well it's full speed baby
In the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
If that's the way
You insist on heading

Please be honest Mary Jane
Are you happy
Please don't censor your tears

You're the sweet crusader
And you're on your way
You're the last great innocent
And that's why I love you

So take this moment Mary Jane and be selfish
Worry not about the cars that go by
All that matters Mary Jane is your freedom
Keep warm my dear, keep dry

~ AM

You ROCK Alanis ... thank you for helping me mark all my milestones during the past 10 years ...

2005-05-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans ..." John Lennon

It's so true isn't it? We go about making our own plans ... looking at angles from our own narrow perspectives ... planning our futures according to what we think we're supposed to do or be ...

We try to fit the round pegs in the round holes and the square pegs in the square holes .... but sometimes that's not the way it's meant to be. Sometimes God wants us to put the round pegs in the square holes and only He can make it work.

Sometimes we want things to go one way and we plan and plan and plan and we think it's perfect and then the rug is pulled out from under us in terrible and very difficult ways and we beat our heads against a wall and say "this is not what I planned for ..."

But it's amazing when we can stand back and we can see that while we were wrapped up in our own ambitions and plans, God was quietly at work. Putting things into place so that one day it would all come together.

I was reminded again last week, that nothing in life is "random" and people cross our paths for "such a time as this" ... it's not random and it's not coincidence.

And it's not really hard to believe that the creator of the universe and the stars and the animals and trees and flowers and the creation of a brand new tiny baby ... is capable of bringing people together in His time, dispite all planning to the contrary on our part.

The times they are a changin' ...

2005-05-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was at the Eaton's Centre today during my lunch ~ my noonhour "stroll" usually takes me to one destination or another ~ and I was, once again, in shock as I walked past each and every store.

It dawned on me that I am completely caught in the middle of a STYLE dilemma.

I'm not young enough anymore to wear the trendy styles in the stores I CAN afford ... I'd have to start shopping in the high end stores to be really "in" and Lord knows I can't spend that kind of $$ on clothing. (Toss in the fact that I'm short and it further depletes the selection.)

And, the only other option is to go to the ... you know ... "polyester" stores. Where clothes are reasonably priced ... but that's only because they are made out material that simply put ... doesn't last!

I've found NOTHING that I like at Old Navy for years (OK maybe a few exceptions) and I take about 8 different sizes in H&M so that's just frustrating.

Gap is great for jeans ... and it ends there ...

American Eagle is super ... but I think I'm TOO FREAKING OLD to wear their clothes ... I did buy a t-shirt there recently (and no, I didn't try it on ...) and when I got it home it was sooooo low cut it left nothing to the imagination ... which is GREAT if you are a "perky" 18 year old ... but I've had a child ... my breasts have taken a beating! And lets not even talk about the "super" low rise jean ... what insane person invented those??? WHO do they look good on ???? (Don't answer that!)

Jacob ... you need to be a VERY tall, very skinny woman with no hips to shop there ... yah ...

There IS Winners ... but if you're a woman, shopping at Winners is like trying to find a Contac lens on the feild during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl!

So ... I'm left with the option of Banana Republic (LOVE IT) where I tried on a pair of jeans in their Petite section (OH novel concept!), loved them, and had to put them back because even I couldn't spend $200.00 on a pair of jeans before tax!!

When did buying clothes turn into such a task??!!

There you have it friends ... a silly rant on a silly subject :)

Running Away ...

2005-05-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I've often thought, particularly in more recent months, that I reflect the words of one of the songs featured in Magnolia quite well ...

"Now that I've met you would you object to never seeing each other again? Cause I can't afford to climb aboard you, no one's got that much ego to spend"

The words, you see, discribe someone who, while recognizing the fact that there could be something really amazing just beginning, doesn't know what to do except run because the past has taken it's toll and this person is left with nothing left but a deflated ego that won't survive another heartbreak ... because she (the woman in the song) doesn't feel "good enough" ...

So, in this case, it's better to run away rather than stay and see what happens ... because what MAY wait up the road is scary. Because, while initally all may seem wonderful, what happens when that other person sees the "real" us? The real me ...

Because it's safe being alone ... painful yes, but it a pain that we, that I know. Because we, I don't want to face rejection again ...

"Cause I'm just a problem for you to solve and watch dissolve in the heat of your charm. But what will you do when you run it through and, you can't get me back on the farm?"

It's never easy to start anything ... and it's even harder to watch something end. So ... it's easier to run away and never face it, right?

But ... I'm a romantic ... and I'd rather give and receive love, even if it hurts, than have no love at all. And, I want to think that I'll always be good enough ...

Best Songs???

2005-05-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a question ... what is your favorite SONG of all time???

There are different categories for this one too ... favorite "love" song, favorite uplifting song, favorite worship song, favorite break-up song, favorite "i hate you with all my guts song ...", favorite "one day this will all be over" song, favorite romantic song, favorite ROAD TRIP song, favorite cry song, favorite funny song ... etc. etc.

I'm still thinking about songs for the different categories, BUT, my favorite song of all time (well ... one of them to be safe ... ) is "Wonderful Tonight" ... just too too good for words ...

More thoughts to come ...

I'm talking about this becuase the radio station we have on at work is KICKING right now with some really old school rock and roll ... Gun's N Roses ... Areosmith ... LOVE IT! Yeah ... I'm a rocker chick ... or was at some point in my life ... before I got old ...

I FORGOT!!!

2005-05-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness ... I forgot my #1 favourite movie of ALL TIME ... what is WRONG with me??!

Moulin Rouge!!!

Best movie EVER ....

Movies!

2005-05-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

On the way back from an overnight "gig" with the worship team, those of us too tired to actually sleep in the van entered into a "What is your favorite ________??" discussion ... ALWAYS good fun!

One of the questions asked was "What are your top 10 favorite movies of all time???" REALLY REALLY hard question to answer ... especially for me because, unless the movie is a COMPLETE bomb, I can usually find SOMETHING about it I enjoy (Waterworld NOT included).

Not only is it difficult for that reason ... but there are so many different categories of film ... drama, action, romance, comedy, sci-fi, horror, classic, sports, cult, the combos (dramatic romance, action thriller, horror comedy) ... the list goes on ... Of course one has to factor in the era as well ... 50's right up until the 05's!!!

BUT ... after a little thought on the subject ... I've come up with a list ... well sort of ...

(in no particular order ...)
1. Godfather - Parts 1 & 2
2. Million Dollar Baby
3. Fight Club
4. American History X
5. Steel Magnolias
6. Scarface
7. Malena
8. Boys Don't Cry
9. Carlito's Way
10. The Graduate
11. Finding Neverland

(with honorable mention going to ...)
- Almost Famous
- Pretty Woman
- Psycho
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- It's a Wonderful Life
- The Princess Bride
- Pirates of the Carribean

Those of you who are wondering where all the Johnny films are ... yeah ... only a few are "greats" most of the time it's just Johnny that's the great thing about the film!!!!

But ... top Johnny movies ...

1. Finding Neverland
2. Pirates ...
3. Edward Sissorhands
4. Chocolat
5. Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas
6. What's Eating Gilbert Grape

So there you have it ... I KNOW there are other movies I LOVE that are not here ... but I'd have to do top 500 to capture them all!!!

Slow Dancing in High School

2005-05-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was listening to one of my favourite CD's on the way to work this morning ... Monster Ballads!!!! YES ... no lie ... Monster Ballads is a super CD.

Anyway ... it took me back many many years, to high school, and the memory of oh so many high school dances ... in particular, the "slow" dance ...

I've often thought fondly of all my slow dances (not that I can recall each and every one ... some are much more memorable than others, of course) and I always smile when I recall those dances where I was asked by the "boy of the month" ~ you know that ONE really amazing guy in high school who is popular for one month, then some other boy takes his place!!

There are periods of time now when I miss those days ... despite my fondess for experimenting back then, it was a time of innocence. A time when everything that was important was how exciting the FRIDAY dance was going to be (and we went crazy for the Much Music Video Dance parties!!!); or who was going to dance with whom; or what to wear and how to get your hair just right...

It was a time when FUN was easy to define and easy to come by ... laughter was abundant ... and relationships were defined by the length of the slow dance ;)

I would never want to go back to high school ... but I DO enjoy the trip down memory lane as I walk down Parliament Street listening to "When I See You Smile" and remembering when some boy held me close in a dark gym and whispered those very words in my ear ...

2005-05-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, Wednesday May 4, 2005 at The Bay (Queen and Yonge Street) there is a special fundraiser/awareness event taking place, entitled "START - To Stop The Abuse". The event is being hosted by Toronto's CHFI FM 98.1 and will be taking place all day.

I encourage ANYONE who is passionate about putting an end to the abuse of women to make time to go to The Bay and support the event. They will be receiving donations that will be distributed to a number of various charities that specifically help women who are victims of abuse. Even if you cannot make a donation ... please just pass by and offer even a silent prayer ...

Please remember that not all abuse is physical and not all forms of abuse leave visible scars. The abuse of women takes on all forms and crosses all economical and cultural boundaries. It is often underreported and minimized.

Please help our city and it's charities and organizations become better equipped to deal with this ongoing tragedy. Please offer your support in whatever way you can tomorrow ...

The unfairness of it all ...

2005-04-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

After enjoying yet another interesting conversation with "the guys" over lunch I have had an "enlightening" thought on a certain subject ... (forgive me for using the word "enlightening" in the following context) ...

Why is it that men feel it's completely fine to stare at, compare, and discuss women's breasts (BONGOS)?? It seems like, for the most part, a somewhat acceptable topic of conversation for men, and DARE I say most women. But but BUT ... let's just say a group of women sat down and started to gawk at, compare and discuss the male ... instrument??

Don't get me wrong ... not much phases me and I'm up for any topic of conversation. I just find it curious really ... and ... I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think it was an issue.

PLEASE ... comment away!

Back from vacation ....

2005-04-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

... and really happy to be home!

I had a great time away ~ even fell asleep on the beach one day ~ and enjoyed spending time with my family.

I also HAVE to say that I am a PRO STAR mini-glofer ... really, I am :) And so is my son! (Yes hole-in-one-Luker!)

BUT I'm happy, once again, to be home ... I am sooo happy I live in Toronto. I'm soooo thankful that I live in a multicultural society.

So ... back to work for me ...

THANK YOU!

2005-04-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has been praying for me in my quest and WAIT for an apartment. Of course, above all, I want to thank God for being faithful ... and for His provisions ...

Luke and I got a unit at The Oak Street Co-op!

We will be moving on May 1, 2005 to Cornwall Street :) Actually, we'll be moving on April 30th ...

I don't have an official address yet ... but as soon as I do I'll let everyone know.

Thank you again ... you all know who you are ...

Quotes ...

2005-04-08T13:16:00.000-07:00

Just because it's sunny outside and I'm happy and these quotes made me smile ... thought I'd share them with you all ...

(They're all Johnny quotes so yeah, comment away if you must ... in fact, I encourage it ...)

"You can never, ever understand what a woman's life might be like until you step into her shoes." ~ Johnny Depp

Thank you Johnny ... for being one of the guys who "get's it"

"I'm an old fashioned guy. I want to be an old man sitting on a porch looking at a lake or something." ~ Johnny Depp

"When I see people with perfect teeth, it drives me up the wall." ~ Johnny Depp

Let's face it ... Johnny could have NO teeth ... :)

"If someone were to harm my family or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them." ~ Johnny Depp

So there it is ... a few of Johnny's thoughts ... because they made me smile.

Looking for bicycle girl ...

2005-04-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

On my way to work this morning I saw a note taped to a lampost that read "Looking for Bicycle Girl ..." (or something to that effect). It sparked my curiousity enough that, even though I was dreadfully late for work already, I took the time to read the plea ...

It was obnoxiously romantic and the gist of it was that someone (gender of writer unclear) was pleading for "bicycle girl", whom the writer had encountered by chance on Carlton while assisting her with her bike, to contact him because he/she could not stop thinking about her ... the writer it seemed, had fallen instantly in love ...

So ... at the end of the note was an email address ... seekingbicyclegirl@hotmail.com ... really, I'm not kidding ...

All the way to work I wondered about how it would be to be pursued by a total stranger who was instantly infatuated with me and would go to such great lenghts to find me ... what would I do??? And I remembered the previous evening coming home from work ...

I had Luke (my son) with me and we were walking home. There was a guy walking down the street handing out notifications door to door regarding a film shoot. I looked at him once and he smiled and I smiled back and I kept walking ... but our paths crossed a few more times because I was walking with a tiny person with short legs (NOT me!), and he was going door to door ...

Anyway ... by the time I got home he was directly accross the street and I saw him watching Luke and I as we went into our apartment. I HAD to peek out my window to see where he went (he was "ruggedly handsome" afterall ...!) and I watched as he crossed the street, entered our courtyard to the apartment and looked up at all the windows. He didn't notice me peeking and I saw him move to the door and I was certain he was looking for a name or SOME indication of who lived in the building with a child ...

After a few moments, with no success of a clue, he began to walk away. He stopped several times and looked back and even came back to the gate one last time before turning to walk away one final time ...

And I just WATCHED the whole time. Why????

It certainly wasn't because he was not attractive ... he was very attractive. He was nice ... he smiled at me ... we made eye contact. He appeared to work in the film business (which I'm familiar with ...) ... so why didn't I fly down the stairs to "check my mail" just to see what may come of this chance encounter???

I think because, while the thought of some instant connection with a perfect stranger is romantic enough on the surface (and I'm sure we all think of it from time to time) it doesn't hold the same fasination for me that perhaps it once did. Maybe I'm growing up ... maybe I'm getting boring ... who knows ??

All I know is that I'm convinced that the best things in life deserve our patience. And, sometimes patience and timing can pay off ... maybe not ... but I'm willing to take that chance.

In the meantime ... I'll just be reassured quietly by the few people who cross my path, even for a moment, who remind me that romance, or at least the hope of romance, is just around the corner ...

Good Friends

2005-03-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, Easter weekend, I spent with my parents at their home in Madoc, Ontario. It's in the country so there is plenty of fresh air, green grass ... room to breathe.

Luke loves spending time there and loves that his Papa takes him for rides on the tractor (and all other gas powered motor vehicles known as "boy toys"), and Luke can spend hours outside on his "bike" riding around on the driveway. I loved that I could just hang with my mom, talk with my brother and sister-in-law and play with my 5 month old nephew and laugh at how silly my dad can be now that he's a grandpa.

It made me realize how much my parents mean to me and my son and how very much I love them. I have GREAT parents.

That said ... I couldn't WAIT to get home ... back to my apartment, my world, my friends.

There was a time in my life, not so long ago, when I didn't have friends ... they were there in some form or another ... but I was cut off from them ... it was a really horrible time.

Fast forward to the "present" and I'm back from a weekend away and I realize that there is this great group of guys, here at home, who just want to hang out and talk and catch up (dare I say they missed me??) ~ it meant SO much to me. I was really blown away.

I suppose then, this is an "Ode" to my friends. You all mean so much to me and to Luke and I thank you for all you do and for each and every one of you and WHO you all are.

I love you all!

Human Strength

2005-03-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

In talking with a co-worker about an immigration case that she is currently involved in, I was once again amazed at just how strong human beings can be when faced with unbelievable circumstances.

I won't get into the details, but this particular individual had been through hell (torture, isolation, persecution, the untimely death of family members ... the list goes on ...). And yet, here was this man, standing in our office, smiling at me and asking if he could please speak with his lawyer, IF she had a moment ...

I believe that all humans have a GREAT amount of strength and resiliency within us ... add to that the untouchable strength that Christians receive from God and the result is a person who CAN survive and overcome, again and again.

I thank God everyday that I have HIS strength in me to get me through another day ...

The Small Paperclip

2005-03-22T07:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work I was completely frustrated by the small paperclip. Not JUST the small paperclip, the small smooth paperclip. It seemed it would hold NOTHING. It kept falling off, sliding around, moving my papers (of importance) all over the place and NOT keeping them in order. Which is, as I understand, the very purpose of a paperclip.

To further my point, this morning at the Passport Office, the small paperclip almost caused me to lose my precious place in line as it, along with all my ID and my sequence number, fell off onto the floor without my knowledge. Fortunately, a very kind man seated two rows behind me brought this to my attention and saved the day. Smiling, but secretly wanting to snap the little paperclip in half, I reached down and rescued my precious documents off the cold dirty floor.

I thought of explaining all this to the guy sitting next t0 me in an attempt to make conversation during the long wait, but thought better of it when I realized that he, having no knowledge of my disdain for the small smooth paperclip, would just assume I was insane. So I sat quietly in my seat and fumed to myself.

A half and hour later I was finished at the Passport Office and MORE than relieved that I had successfully completed the application process (and had gratefully handed over the small paperclip to the unsuspecting woman behind the counter, who obviously had no idea what woes were to come her way now that she was in possession of the small smooth paper clip ...), I made my way to my own office.

But my glee was to be short lived ... upon entering my office, my good friend, and our beloved receptionist, Eastlyn, handed me a stack of papers held together with ~ a small smooth paperclip ~ and they all instantly slid apart, flying and fluttering down to the ground.

Instead of picking up the helpless pile of important paperwork now lying desperately on the ground ... I marched into my office, picked up the container of small smooth paperclips and dumped them into the trash, promising myself that I would buy new BIG non-skid paperclips later in the day.

A waste?? I think not ... a small price to pay for my mental health!

2005-03-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Today on my way into work I saw a bus with an advertisement for CBC Radio (I think ...) that said "Is Toronto becomming too world class?" ... the caption was written over a b&w photo of a chalk outline on the ground and police tape.

Shortly after my boss arrived at the office she said that she'd been detained on the streetcar (and eventually had to get off the streetcar) becuase there was some big accident at Queen and Victoria and there were police cars and fire trucks everywhere ...

We, my boss and I, began to discuss the various events that have occurred over the past week in our great city: a child thrown from a moving car by her father ... a man lighting himself on fire ... a man wielding a knife at a major intersection ... a pedestrian struck by a speeding police car in pursuit of another suspect (see the aforementioned "big accident at Queen and Victoria") ... and, while not IN our city, the four RCMP officers slain in the line of duty ... These are all 'current' events.

Of course ... there are numerous other day to day tragedies that occur in our city that we, the general population, never hear about ... domestic volience, suicides, arguments gone wrong, drug overdoses ...

I began to let my mind wander into that realm we know as "paranoia". As I thought about how the city is falling apart and death and distruction are all around, a giant green camouflaged Army truck drove by my office. I, being locked in a state of paranoid delusion, almost fainted. I ran to my office for cover, certain that at any moment a war was going to break out on the street or bodies would fall from the sky ...

And, instantly I realized how silly I was.

This city is a big city ... full of people ... full of issues ... But it's nothing new. I'm sure the media would have us believe that things are getting worse and worse every day ... but I think not ...

I love this city, and, oddly enough, still find the frequent cries of sirens blasting by, comforting ...

Little Things ...

2005-03-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

My two-and-a-half (almost three) year old son often crawls into my bed in the wee small hours of the morning. A ritual that, although I groan about as a result of tiny feet and tiny hands poking and prodding at my body keeping sleep at bay, I have grown to love ... and wait for ...

I love it because I love to have him near me ... but also because it inevitably means that he will wake me in the morning in any number of spontaneous ways!

Take for example the other morning when I awoke to the sound of Luke's voice saying "you're so cute Mommy ..." (Anyone who has ever been in close proximity to a two year old for any length of time will know they are SPONGES and soak up every little thing you say and do ... and, obviously, the "you're so cute" is directed at him on a daily basis!).

But ... even though he was parroting a comment and generally being silly ... it made me laugh and I instantly forgot that I'd spent the better part of the night frustrated with the little body taking up 85% of my bed!

And, though it was only 6:30 AM ... on a Saturday ... I jumped out of bed to make pancakes and watch Peter Pan for the 9th time that week!

I AM WOMAN!

2005-03-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

It is International Women's Day today! A day when we, as women, are praised for being ... women ...

There was a time, several years ago, I found myself in a home surrounded by "wounded" women. We were living together for a "season" and attempting to heal our brokenness by (among other things) attending group therapy, and individual counseling sessions. We talked from sun up 'till sun down about how it was that each of us had come to be there ... why the various journey's that we had all walked had brought us to the point where we had no choice but to take a time out and heal ourselves.

We were directed from program to program by the staff ... encouraged by mentors ... instructed to do our chores. We watched "helpful" films and attended meetings. We ate three times a day and had to be in bed by 11:00 PM. We wrote, we painted, we sang. We laughed, we cried, we screamed, we hated, we loved ...

The three weeks I spent in that house were three wonderful weeks (contrary to what some people in my life thought ...). They were wonderful not because I "found" myself or because I came to some brilliant conculsion about my future ... or past for that matter ... BUT, simply because I had three weeks to get to know some really amazing women.

We were bombarded with extraordinary programming ALL day ... and yet, in looking back on it, my favorite times were first thing in the morning or at the end of the day when we would just sit. We would just sit on the big wrap-around porch and talk to each other and watch the sun rise and watch the sun set ... And, I realize now, that the healing that began in that house, many years ago, was because of the women that I grew ~ very quickly ~ to love over three short, but profound weeks.

We women are amazing creatures ... we are so many things to so many people and I know that I am constantly blessed by the many extraordinary women in my life ...

By the way ... in that house, our wake up call every morning was a small, very old cassette player, carried on the shoulder of one of the most amazing women I have ever met, blaring "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" ... Amen to that ~ I am woman ... hear me roar!

Crazy for Johnny...?

2005-03-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

For all of you "doubters" out there ... an updated blog!!

I thought I should explain my blog address ... crazyforjohnny.com ... ANYONE who knows me knows that I have it BAD for Johnny Depp. In fact ... it's a borderline obsession. And, I am secure enough in who I am to admit that I am completely head-over-heels for a man I have never met, and probably never will meet ... at least in person!

I realized however, that my obsession had reached a somewhat unbelievable level when magazines with GIANT beautiful pictures of Johnny were being purchased for me by other people ... oh, and when a certain cardboard cut-out of the infamous "Jack Sparrow" was torn from my living room and held captive in an office across town ... (I AM allowed visiting privileges).

(Not to mention that I secretly keep a calendar of when his next movies will be released .... shhhh don't tell!)

So ... I began to think about my feelings for Johnny ... is it silly; strange; weird; DANGEROUS?? Is it horrible to be fascinated with a MOVIE star?? Is it wrong to spend so much of my life watching movies and reading magazines about ONE person ...

And, sadly, the answer is YES. We all need to be careful about what we spend time thinking about ... and, what we long for ...

The ONLY true man in my life and the only person who has never let me down and who has loved me unconditionally is GOD. The only person worthy of my thoughts and PRAISE is God.

So ... while I will continue to be "crazy for Johnny" (because he IS the best actor in Hollywood) ... I will make sure that I never let it overshadow, or take time away from, the true love I have in my life. The love from my son, my family, my friends, and above all else, from God.

On the bandwagon baby!

2005-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

So ... I decided to get on the bandwagon ... try out this blogging thing! Of course, I'm doing this at 4:45 PM ... last minute ... and I need to leave work soon.

I've always thought of myself as a bit of a trendsetter ... but hey, sometimes OTHERS need to lead. And so, I am following the masses (many many many friends) who have taken up the "art" of blogging.

I'll try anything ... at least once!